Fly, Fly, There's a Waiter in my Soup: Service Peeves

I'll admit it- I'm a cranky old bastard, easy to set off. When I'm paying for a meal, my crankiness goes to 11; after all, I'm paying a restaurant to render a professional service and I expect that service to be professional. Just as a warning and in the interest of public safety (because I'm usually packing), here are the five main things that waitstaff in restaurants do to entice me to spray the place:

1. "Hi, I'm Donny, and I will be your server tonight." Shut up, Donny. I didn't ask your name. If I did, I'd refer to you as Mr. Spliffroller or whatever your last name is- it's not like we've met on a social basis. And you're a waiter, dammit, not a "server." Nothing wrong with that, it's an honorable profession. Overly familiar and PC, nice start. You've got a bullseye on your forehead already.

2. I really don't need my wineglass filled to the brim. And especially after I've already asked you not to. I subtly reach into my pocket and double-check to make sure there's a bullet in the chamber. And the red wine is clearly too warm. I've got a round with your wine steward's name on it.

3. "And how is everything?" Donny, I don't think you're going to see your next birthday. First off, we were having a conversation here- my date was just about to tell me about her discussion with her room-mate about a three-way. Second, my mouth is full of food. Third, and most important, if there was something wrong with the food, you wouldn't have to ask. Insecure, are we? I can take care of that.

4. I don't care what the etiquette books say, when you refill my water glass, put it back where I had it, not where it's "supposed" to go. Maybe Emily Post isn't left-handed like me. And you'll know I'm left handed when I'm done bitch-slapping you as you plead for your life.

5. And while you're at it, I expect that my used knife and fork will be replaced for each course. When I leave my utensils on my emptied plate, that's not a signal for you to take them off and put them back on the table. Try it once more and you'll be doing it to the next table using your new bloody stumps. Now the check comes and even though I've given you a taste of every wine we brought with us, you nailed me for full corkage. Get ready for a Charles Whitman sampler. I'll be a nice guy and notify your next-of-kin myself, Donny. In person, too. The faster your family's genes are eliminated from the pool, the sooner we'll start seeing better service.